Thanks for all of you guys’ wonderful responses and dms after my Half I put up about blended households and bonus mothers – I used to be doing a Q&A on tales yesterday and realized I by no means posted the half 2! I really like having the ability to deliver a extra open dialog round blended households and motherhood as a bonus mama.
SCHEDULES/LIFESTYLE
Q: Do you get an extended with Cody’s ex-wife? Do you guys hang around?
A. Im actually grateful all of us get an extended.
One factor I needed may have been completely different for me rising up, was that when my mother and father acquired divorced they’d have been associates (I really like each my mother and father very a lot and I do know no household is ideal, however it was exhausting at instances feeling that pressure). They lived throughout the nation from one another, so that they didn’t must see one another a lot. After I would go to go to my mother I might fly on my own (I don’t know in the event that they nonetheless do that, however I began at like 5 or 6 years outdated and my mother and father would stroll me to the gate and then you definately sit in again row by flight attendant and do the flight by yourself. I even have a whole lot of enjoyable recollections with tremendous type flight attendants who would play video games and stuff with me. I feel that is additionally a part of the explanation I realized to change into fairly unbiased at a younger age, and touring alone hasn’t ever actually scared me however in any case…), however ya I nonetheless all the time felt that awkward pressure each time they had been in the identical room. I bear in mind even on my marriage ceremony day being concerned about ensuring each mother and father felt they acquired equal consideration and love. And perhaps that was one thing I created in my head, however it made me need to make it a precedence once we acquired married that now we have a great relationship with Cody’s ex, in order that the children by no means felt that pressure or stress, and so we may all go to the children occasions and it not be awkward. Once more, this was not an in a single day factor, it took years to get to that time. Particularly if it is a contemporary state of affairs, it should take a whole lot of time. However as a child who has been on that facet of divorce, that was one factor I actually wished completely different for our youngsters.
Time, time, time! I feel all of it simply takes time, however I really like speaking to their mother in regards to the children and sharing pleasure for the issues they’re doing, or issues they’re studying or going by. All of us sit by one another at a lot of the children video games and occasions, it’s in a great place.
Q. Do you get a say in making the entire selections about colleges and such. How do you cope with that side?
A. Lengthy story quick, I’ve no say haha. Cody talks to me about it, however that is without doubt one of the exhausting components of being a bonus mother, you’re keen on your bonus infants and assist increase them however in my case I’m not likely a call maker. I imply each day what we’re doing Cody and I determine, however greater selections Cody and his ex spouse work out collectively.
Q. Because the bonus mothers/mother and father, are you concerned in communication to his ex or simply Cody?
A. In our state of affairs, Cody and his ex work out particulars for essentially the most half. Clearly there are occasions when Cody continues to be at work or out of city or one thing so I decide up/drop off the children, and so forth. however the majority of communication is between her and Cody. We just lately began a gaggle textual content for sports activities and faculty scheduling and typically share photos of the children from college or sports activities too, however most scheduling goes by them.
Q. How do you deal with frustration along with your step children’ schedule?
A. One factor that took time for me to understand and perceive is that whenever you’re a step guardian (not all the time the case, however no less than in my state of affairs) even when you all get alongside, on the finish of the day you might have little say over holidays, college schedules, actually simply plans generally. For me, anyone who likes to plan forward and be in management, it’s typically exhausting. For instance, once we had been attempting to plan a visit and I might ask Cody if he had texted the children’ mother to ensure sure days work and I might need speedy solutions for issues 😂 and he’s like I haven’t talked to her but, and I’m all nicely name proper now, what’s the maintain up 😂😂 I finally realized that 1) typically you don’t get speedy solutions as a result of she has a life too clearly and you’ll’t count on speedy responses on a regular basis and a couple of) issues take longer to coordinate and plan than it might with your individual children, so you must plan forward a little bit additional.
Q. Do you might have full custody? How usually and the way lengthy do your bonus children stick with you?
A. We now have joint custody so it alters. Proper now, each different week now we have them for Thursday/Friday, after which the subsequent week 4 days Thursday-Sunday.
Q. Would you ever journey with out the bonus children?
A. I feel our state of affairs is a little bit completely different as a result of we LOVE to journey and in addition journey fairly a bit for work, however we all the time ensure to plan all our “huge journeys” once we can go collectively as a household. For instance we often do an enormous 2 week journey each summer time and we all the time do this with all the children. (One exception is like spring break – we alter years with their mother for spring break so if Mara and Wes are with their mother these days, we are going to nonetheless take Beckam and Ollie on a spring break journey). If your loved ones usually solely goes on 1 or 2 journeys a yr, I might for certain attempt to make it work to incorporate everybody. We now have a lot enjoyable once we journey with all the children and Beckam and Ollie love being with Mara and Wes as a lot as we do, so we want we may all the time journey collectively however it doesn’t all the time work out that method. That’s one other factor you notice after you might have children of your own- each mother and father need as a lot time as they’ll with their children. If it’s a problem to get extra days or swap schedules for journeys, attempt to have perspective and notice their different guardian needs to hang around with them as a lot as attainable too. Not saying it by no means sucks or their aren’t nonetheless upset events, however its type of an “it’s what it’s” state of affairs. However actually it all the time appears like one thing is lacking once we journey with out them.
Q. Do they go college half-hour away? How does that work?
A. They used to reside 10 minutes away from us for like 8 years and just lately they moved a pair cities away. I’m so grateful they’re nonetheless inside driving distance as a result of for me rising up, that wasn’t the case, so I’m simply grateful we nonetheless get to see them a lot. Nevertheless it has positively made it a little bit more difficult, particularly now that they’re in a number of sports activities, and Mara and Wes are in two completely different colleges (junior excessive and elementary) they go at completely different instances. Everybody has completely different practices and schedules after college, so it will get busy however we’re glad they’re nonetheless shut.
Q. Are they open to speaking about issues they do with their mother round you?
A. I really feel like they’re tremendous open with us, however I suppose I wouldn’t truly know the way a lot they’re selecting to share. I do know as a child, typically I might really feel nervous telling the opposite guardian what I used to be doing once I was with my different guardian (even now typically, truly haha) as a result of I didn’t need to make the opposite guardian really feel unhealthy, so I hope Mara and Wes don’t really feel that method but in addition I suppose I can’t know 100% for certain since we aren’t with them 24/7.
Q. How do you cut up up firsts or particular instances with their mother and also you guys?
We haven’t had a whole lot of firsts the place we will’t each present up someplace to help them. For his or her first time to Disney, we did ask the children’ mother if we may take them however aside from that, there haven’t been a whole lot of instances when we have to cut up up firsts.
Q. How do you guys deal with holidays/birthdays?
It’s type of modified through the years. We all the time cut up Christmas – I do know thats not as well-liked. I feel lots of people do each different Christmas. Thanksgiving and Spring Break we alternate yearly. Typically Easter falls over Spring Break, and so forth. Birthdays have modified – typically we alternate years and typically we stick with the schedule. Once they had been youthful, one individual would get them the evening earlier than and half of their birthday, after which the opposite would get the opposite half of the day and the evening. At first I feel everybody was hypersensitive and micromanaging time and issues have relaxed since then. I might get within the mentality of attempting to ensure every part was ‘truthful’. However in a blended household, it’s unattainable to make every part 100% truthful.
We might even have traditions that we do yearly with the children, like carving pumpkins and adorning gingerbread homes. And we’ll wait to do these traditions till now we have Mara and Wes with us so we will do all of it collectively as a household. I feel it makes the vacations really feel extra particular and we’re much more intentional about our time collectively throughout these instances.
SUPPORT:
Q. Do you are feeling you have to know different bonus mothers for help? I don’t have anybody in my life.
A. I do know like one or two different bonus mothers however now that I’m fascinated with it I don’t know if I’ve ever actually talked to them a ton about it. My step mother is and I’ve talked to her in fact 🙂 We now have 2 step dads inside our prolonged household, however in any other case I really feel like my bodily circle of bonus mothers is fairly small. For those who’re becoming a member of an internet group of different blended households, I might search for one which’s objective is a constructive household surroundings – there are such a lot of that may change into tremendous unfavorable and that power will simply detract. However I feel bonus mothers could be a nice help for one another.
DISCIPLINE/PARENTING FOR BLENDED FAMILIES:
Q. Did you do any self-discipline after they had been youthful?
A. Sure, however nothing main.
Q. How do you not step on any toes/do you are feeling like you possibly can self-discipline them? Do you ever put boundaries or is it Cody’s ‘job’?
A. I by no means need Mara and Wes to really feel like they get handled otherwise, so we attempt to say constant by every part and that features with disciplining and guidelines. For instance: In the event that they make a large number in the lounge with Beckam, I wouldn’t solely make Beckam clear it. And in the event that they don’t pay attention, which they’re children and typically they don’t haha, they may get a special chore. However I do this actual factor for all the children.
There are 10000% instances I’ll say to Cody although, will you be the enforcer this time, I don’t need them to hate me. And typically he’ll, and different instances he’s like you might be nonetheless a mother to them, they love you and it’s okay for them to have penalties. I feel he gages my temper haha. I’ve been of their life over 10 years, and know they love me, however typically nonetheless fear “what in the event that they assume I’m the evil step mother!” So I feel you gage what feels most pure and cozy for you.
Q. Do you give your bonus children chores?
A. 100%, however the entire children have weekly chores (– one factor Cody and I each really feel strongly about is instructing our youngsters work ethic, in order that goes for all the children clearly). For us it simply wouldn’t make sense if solely Beckam and Ollie had been doing weekly chores and Mara and Wes simply sat on the sofa. We’re a household and all of us have duties.
Do I ever really feel responsible about it? There are some instances when it’s the final hour or two earlier than Mara and Wes return to their mother’s home and Cody tells them they should clear up a large number and decide up the room, and I inform him they solely have 1 hour left and to allow them to simply have enjoyable. He says no, they’re nonetheless our youngsters they want deal with their duties, which is absolutely what we’d do with Beckam and Ollie. So the instances when I’m a little bit extra lax about chores or choosing up after themselves is earlier than they depart, however in the course of the common each day, they do the identical issues my children do. (And Cody is absolutely good about being constant irrespective of the circumstances.)
Okay that wraps up this put up! Plenty of you might have questions or recommendation about coping with organic mothers or establishing a bond along with your bonus infants – I’m actually need to be an open guide and share as a lot as I can, so I’ll save that for the subsequent few posts, together with ideas for bonus mothers and ideas for bio mothers since I acquired a couple of questions from you guys too ❤️ I’ve beloved listening to from you all about your individual blended households and the way a lot you’re keen on your bonus infants!
XX, Christine
